Said immediately after the player was given bardic inspiration to help with an Intimidation check

Player 2: I don't even know what that means Me: Exactly! *Defenestration (n): the action of throwing someone out of a window*

Player 2: “I really didn’t… The women and children were already dead by the time I got to them. All I had to do was behead them.”

NPC: "Last time we tried burning down the forest, we lost a few good people." Wizard: "Good thing we're not good people."

For some *slight* context, here's an explanation of the names. Nev or Nevermore: A 7'2 black feathered aarakocra barbarian who speaks in a Bostonian accent played by Jase (Me) Renn: A walking corpse Warlock who recently got better and has tens of thousands of souls living in his head played by Mitch Lori: A chaotic chronurgy mage who has a penchant for awesome lunacy played by Dheme Grimlith: A gnome-goblin druid who is the only person in the party with a healthy grasp on reality and trauma played by Abel DM: A hilarious dude named D who has crafted one of the most well written games I've ever had the pleasure and luxury to play Serilia: The temporary character of Dheme, she's a bad ass lesbian paladin who had been brainwashed for the past 10 years to work as a super antimagic bodyguard for a cult Any other characters are either people who were not in the campaign long or NPCs. Some quotes are from the players as we're speaking above table. Enjoy? ******************** "Varis, you are a shrub." ~D 03/21/23 "He's not saying anything. Because he can't." ~D 04/04/23 "I'ma fuck Pepsi alright." ~Mitch 04/27/23 "points to varis...i wouldnt call him broad, id call him busty" ~Storak 05/03/24 "She knows how to ride a clippity clop." ~Nev 05/16/23 "Ah so you want it so when you die there's a magical turfwar over your body." ~Crooked Staff Merchant 05/16/23 "the horse is a horse....i dont think he understands the concepts" ~DM 05/16/23 "Or Came, or Cum. It depends." ~Mitch 8/1/23 "I trust you to make this edible." ~Renn 8/29/23 "It's not Delivery, it's Human Trafficking!" ~Jase 8/29/23 "Don't tell my dad I died for toenails" ~Nev 08/30/24 "It's pulsating. It shouldn't be because it's a fucking rock. - D "Jesus Christ! I mean... Bahamut Jr!" ~Renn 9/19/2023 "So you were a giant monkey just then. How was that?" ~Lori 11/7/2023 "I definitely want bananas still." ~Renn 11/7/2023 "So you're just looking over his mustached penis face"- DM 11/14/2023 "Does that count for touching a penis?" ~Lori -11/14/2023 "Somehow she has a naked dick detector" ~Grimlith 11/14/2023 "You didn't do that on purpose?!" -Abel 12/5/2023 "There was a scary forest!" - Nev | "Scary forest is not an answer!" - Nev's sister, Althea 12/5/23 "Thats Renn! He's like a dead squirrel!" ~Nev 12/5/2023 "You were able to get it up... that was something" - Renn 12/5/2023 "I hope they get cooties." ~Lori 12/19/2023 "So.... are you a fan of Dwarf tossing?" ~Malath 12/19/2023 "Who wants to do coke with the illithid?" ~Mitch 12/19/2023 "I agree other voice in my head." ~Nevermore 01/23/2024 "I mean rigor mortis, he's always gotta be stiff right?" ~Althea 01/23/2024 "When a corpse bee and another corpse bee love each other and don't dance..." ~Nevermore 01/23/2024 "I mean who wants to date someone when you need a lint roller just to kiss them." ~Nevermore 01/23/2024 "Running up to you like a hag with a ribbon in my hand 'WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY!'" ~Lori 01/30/2024 "I emotionally abuse you and you bring me waffles. Thanks babe." ~Dheme 02/23/2024 "You bought... a cart of tomatoes... and almost got us killed...because you wanted to pelt a dude"~ Nev recalling memories. "Renn, does your house have a garden?" "Probably" - Renn "She hasn't done anything." ~Dheme "She's a *removed*." ~D 03/05/2024 "I'd be sorry but we're hilarious." ~Abel 05/03/2024 "So you're just focusing on the pigeons?" ~D 03/27/2024 "How do I make the no-no thing be a yes-yes thing?!" ~Nevermore 03/27/2024 "[Awwooooo]" - Renn 04/2/24 "And when do you hatch?" ~Lori 04/02/24 " Should I go...unwisk it?" Nev 4/2/24 "Renn is such a *removed*." ~Dheme 04/02/24 "I heard it from the Oracle Beyoncé." ~Nev 04/02/24 "Don't listen to God, he is wrong" - Grimlith - 4/2/24 "HOW DO YOU LISTEN TO AN EAR?"- Nev 4/2/24 "So you divorce my son and now you're asking me for a job?" ~Isme 4/16/24 "I'm sorry Renn, I love you, but fuck the rich." ~Nevermore 4/30/24 "You're my seeing eye... what are you?" ~Lori 5/07/24 "The wizard is better at stealth than me?!" ~Nev 5/07/24 "I forgot that we have one brain cell in the party and it currently blinked away"- Grimlith. | "When did I become the brain cell?" ~Dheme 5/07/24 "We can have one little terrorism as a treat." ~Nev 5/07/24 "I rolled a 6. Oh wait, I have advantage! .... It's a zero so I got a 6." ~Dheme 5/14/24 "I am bear." ~Ira 5/14/24 "Hey, it's not our fault this Earth Elemental is made of door." ~Grimlith 5/14/24 "Roll a 20" ~DM | "10" ~Nev | "...fuck" ~DM | "Does that fuck up your plans or mine?" ~Panicking Nev | "Yours" ~DM "....fuck!" ~Nev 5/14/24 "Im going to land and take out two letters and hand one to renn and the other to--" ~Lori | kawaii voice of Nev interrupting in the bg "hello my little girl" | Megan and I dying of laughter | "I FORGOT MY MIC WAS ON OMG, I was talking to my cat!"- Nev | Megan and I still dying of laughter. ~5/14/24 "I wanna go around and befriend every pigeon in the city." ~Abel 03/26/24 "... How are these pigeons not dead?" ~Abel 03/26/24 "If you would be inclined for a little adventure today, would you mind following me? ... and it's mandatory because I've already made arrangements." ~Lori 03/26/24 <Anime laugh> "Please, a cart of tomatoes?" ~Lori | "As I shoo someone out of a window like 'take it, take it!'" ~Dheme | [chatter] | "Can we just like acknowledge that she just did the anime "Oh ho ho ho!" laugh when you called her out on that?" ~Mitch 03/26/24 [Listen to it here!](https://voca.ro/145fO0m6VHyt) "Alright, you're right, it's cursed." ~Ira 03/26/24 "You ripping peoples faces off, that's entirely on you. Get some help." ~Ira 03/26/24 "I'm-uh-w-Lady.... I'm not above hitting a woman." ~Nev 03/26/24 "HOW DO I MAKE THE NO NO THING BE A YES YES THING?!" ~Nev 03/26/24 [Listen to it here!](https://voca.ro/15QOLAee6zyY) "I'm gonna pop my door open like 'I can do it. You're making a lot of noise. It's the middle of the night. ~Grimlith 03/26/24 "I have cocaine, does that count?" ~Nev 03/26/24 "Also, an adult." ~Grimlith 05/21/2024 <Ghostly voice> "I am writing a book!" ~Ed Great the Horse 05/21/24 "I've never actively hurt you. I've given you the choice and you've chosen trauma every time." -DM 05/21/24 "You ate a goodberry so you should be full for the rest of the day" Grimlith to Renn | "True" -Renn | "Well you can be full and a fatass" -Dheme | "Just shut up and play your silly little game with your silly little characters and don't come for me like that" -Jase Nevermore: "Goddamn you Mitchell!" ~Jase | "It was Abel!" ~Mitchell "Walk my now alive ass over here[...]" ~Mitchell 05/21/24 "It's going to fly over and bite into its neck" ~DM | "Unrelated but I'm making hamburger helper..." ~Dheme 05/21/21 "Nev does a 26 hit?" -DM | "....fuck you. You don't get to ask that in that tone" -Nev 05/21/24 "Why doesn't Misty have a mustache?" -Abel | "Wait hold up" -Mitch | "NO!" -Abel and Jase 05/21/24 "Guys im actually hitting things and I might be tearing up a little." Lori | "Youre not just hitting things, youre kicking ass" -Grimlith 05/21/24 "As a nature boy..." ~DM 05/21/24 "No matter who you play you gotta either fuck with his body or his heart!" ~Abel | "Worth it." ~Dheme 05/22/24 "Quick thing but you do have metal growing on your skin." ~DM 05/22/24 "The undead not dead thing is right" -Serilia | "Please call me Renn" -Renn | "I'll never remember that" -Serilia | "It's literally shorter"- Grimlith "Why must I be surrounded by lesbians? ... I fear your kind." ~Nev 05/22/24 [A compilation of this quote and others can be found here](https://soundcloud.com/ltcmdr-stamets/firestarters-05-21-24-highlights) "Can I pick up Renn? He's a twink, right?" ~Seilia 06/04/24 "You're a second rate duelist with a third rate meal" ~Nev 06/04/24 "Just gives me the confidence that she would choke me" ~Serilia 06/04/24

DM: “Don’t you mean Mel-“ Player: “I know what I said.”

I love that this sub exists now. I have started keeping track of notable sayings from our games for no reason, and now I have a reason.

DM: "Alright, roll to kick the child with advantage."

This was promptly followed by the character being knocked unconscious, because they accidentally drank a sleeping potion.

:::spoiler Context and explanation I was playing a utility bard who has become the sole healer in the party. The DM was kind enough to give me a few homebrewed tweaks to help me play this role better, including but not limited to some tweaks and spells (Healing Word tweaks, Beacon of Hope, and such, but most importantly for this story: Revivify) and I'm extremely thankful for that. Now, there was this session where we got our hands into quite a hoard. I no longer remember the details, but there was a sizeable quantity of diamonds. Me, ever being the dutiful healer, asked the DM if I can have the diamonds ground into what I described as "white crystalline powder" and then have them individually packed into small sachets, ready for when I need to cast a revivify spell. Cue the rest of the group looking at me as if I were a weirdo. Not realizing what I've just said, I went "What? It's for revivify, is there anything wrong with that?" to which someone helpfully explained the unfortunate drug-related implications. How I intended to package the diamonds: small sachets containing roughly 300GP worth of diamond powder pretty much resembled how some illegal drugs are sold off in the streets. I tried explaining my reasoning: the diamonds in the haul are too large, and cutting them into 300GP portions is too much work. It's better to have them ground into powder and then weigh individual 300GP portions. However, I might have dug an even deeper hole for myself because of that. What made this story even funnier in hindsight is that my bard had this backstory of running away from a small-time crime group (bards in the morning, burglars in the evening--my bard playing the role of the lookout and field medic) which turned out to be a part of an even bigger crime syndicate, which our DM kindly reminded me about. :::

Said by a merchant who gave my character a better deal than another party member because they were both halflings

Said by one of my two DM friends to me while we were in a pizza joint together. "Dude! Context! We are in public." I have a bountiful life of riches. I run two games and play in three. Just a problem finding time for them all.

Player 2: "Until he's learned his lesson." Player 1: "What lesson?" Player 2: "I-... Uhh... I didn't actually think that part through. But he'll know it when he's learned it."

DM, cautiously: "Uhh... Yes?" Player: "And they didn't specify *adult male* heads, did they?"

Player: "No wait! I *need* my stupid small face!"